Please, let me fuck your mom
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
