it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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