She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Congratulations! We have a period
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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