I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
