In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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