and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
