so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
