I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he fucked my hip out of place.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
