If i come over, it means nothing
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
