So drunk its hurt
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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