I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She made me pour olive oil on her.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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