Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
