I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
