you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
