i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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