I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
