yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
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Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
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I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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