My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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