I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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