you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
