i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
