My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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