My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
