peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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