very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
