i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize