i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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