Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.