Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
