Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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