i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
