btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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