i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He kissed a someone with a penis
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
