Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
