how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
