Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
