I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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