i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
