im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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