he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
