I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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