Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
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My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
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Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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