I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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