when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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