i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
