finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
