i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
