I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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