I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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