we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
