they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
