So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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