every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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