Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
