I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
