I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
