dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
His nipple licking is glorious
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