Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
