better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
